9 Reasons You Should Be Dumbfounded

I need to call Congress and ask them why they raised the debt ceiling to 12.4 Trillion dollars the other day.  What were they thinking?  12.4 Trillion will never get the U.S.A. out of debt before the whole world goes on the new Unified Monetary System they're already talking about.  Never!  Why you ask? 

Okay class, let's review this for the trillionth time..

1. You could give everyone on earth [EVERYONE] One Trillion  socks to wear every day for 300 years.
2. If you were to spend 1 Million dollars every day since Jesus was born until today you still wouldn't have reached One Trillion.
3. If you started a business when Jesus was born with a One Trillion dollar investment and you lost 1 Million every day of the year since then, you would still be in business 730 years from now.
4. One Trillion dollars can fund the military of every NATO country combined.
5. One Trillion dollars can pay the rent of every renter in the US for 3 years or the mortagages of every home owner for 14 months. (New York included)
6. One Trillion can repurchase all homes that foreclosed in 2007 and 2008!
7. The 15 Trillion dollar debt that will still be there in 2011 equals to a 1,000 mile high pile of $1,000 bills (if they made them)
8. Unfortunately, One Trillion is enough to pay for only 1/10th of the spending for the current bailout.
9. Sadly still, One Trillion is only enough to run the federal government for 103 days!  (3.5 months!!)

There is something fishy going on in Washington DC.  I think all the Big Wigs are making plans to escape this mess and leave us holding the fuming bag of sulfur products.  Yes, it does sound a bit like the movie 2012 but the catastrophe is greedy brains and not Mother Nature.  (she shows up later to scare us)

Pepto Abysmal please...

Have You Seen This Man?

In the "Some days its just not worth chewing through the leather straps" category, I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the camerman's head when he was filming this news anchor.   It could have been a funny gaffe till his wife was watching the news, and his mom, dad, friends.....  you get the picture.  In what amounts to a weird day on the job there's nothing like everyone recognizing you on the streets.

I did have a good laugh over it and I hope you do too.  You'll need all the laughs you can get once the credit card statements start rolling in now that Christmas is over.  I'll be busy working to find some for you.

A Homer Simpson Christmas

Dough!!  I posted my holiday greeting and when I went to see how it posted I realized that it was posted to
http://www.thekitchenbitch.blogspot.com/    So I guess if you want a nice beautiful holiday post to read you can go there.  Otherwise, enjoy your fruitcake!

Calamity's Secret Clubhouse

I was surfing the net today looking for inspirational ideas to create some new blogs posts because I realized that my blog was really lame. I rated it a 10,000 on the Calamity Index so I must reinvent it somehow to maintain my standards which are probably lower than Tiger Woods current website.


I’m flyin’ blind here so you may have to develop a sense of patience and understanding, compassion, and a profound interest in the absurd. With that caveat inked, I would like to begin…

First, I’m ditching that stupid Factoid thing at the end of my posts and the truly banal Quote of the Day. If I have to start by shaving off lame that’s the baby that is thrown out with the bath water STAT.

I’d like to add more photos but most of the ones I’ve ever used before were stolen I guess so I can’t do that anymore otherwise some big corporation would sue me for all the money I have… Oh my, I need to stop here and take a muscle relaxer as I’m buckled over from laughter and getting all cramped up…

Now that was a funny line but you’re not laughing and I'm a co-dependent People Pleaser so Onward I Push.

I’ll begin by telling you a Classified Secret from Calamity’s Secret Clubhouse Think Tank. Naturally, you will have only a rudimentary idea of some of the topics discussed but that’s how secrets work. What is disseminated to the general population is for “their eyes only” and not the “Insiders” who really know what’s going on. Kinda like the news you read every day and the politics you hear about, just fluff. The economy isn’t but that’s another known Secret.

Secret #1 Under the “Did You Know” File

Osama bin Laden did declare Jihad but only on the West Coast of America where he had Tupac killed. To retaliate America tired killing the infamous and notorious Saddam Hussein but the message got decoded wrong and they ended up killing the Notorious BIG (Biggy Small)

Then Biggy’s crew got mad after being sad and sent word out to excommunicate Barry Manilow, terminate the Governor, and eliminate the tree huggers. Like I said, they were mad, so they went on a Saturday Night Fright Night with AK47's and some 40’s. The gangs picked lots of fights all across America killing off America’s BFF (not Mexico) – the American Indians.

When most of all the Indians were hit, the few that were left opened some casinos and liquor stores the size of Reservations and that’s when the Indians got their Super Powers, meaning: They didn’t have to pay taxes. The End.

The Great 'Merican Novel

This one's for Geoff.  You know who you are.  No one else does.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately which doesn't allow much time for writing on my blog.  I've been toying with the idea of trying to write that great american novel.  I'm thinking that the world will be getting a whole avalanche of new and interesting novels since so many millions of people are out of work with time on their hands.

Which leads me back to reading someone else's work.  Why you ask?  Because I need to find kernels, tidbits and ideas to put in my book.  Plagerism is only borrowing a word here and embellishing on an idea there.  Seriously.  Its how everything has been written  At least in law offices.

I'm getting a good start but I'm not sure who my main character will be or what City/County/Nation the place will be located in, or even what year/century it will be based in.  See, its a good start!  I'm excited. 

I think the idea is the journey and not the end result here that is important.  That's kinda like saying; "its not the winning that matters"; or another favorite;  Money is not everything; finishing with: "the check is in the mail".  Anyway, I digress...

Even if I never get published I'd be in good company.  I can think of many good books that were never published.  Even the great Dr. Seuss suffered a few casualites.  Consider the following Dr. Seuss books that were rejected:

1. The Little Red Fox in the Blender
2. Horton Hires a Ho
3. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
4. Who Shat in my Hat?
5. Herbert the Pervert likes Sherbert

Here are a few non-published works by unknowns such as:

1. My Pocket Rocket needs a Socket
2. Bi-Curious George
3. Strangers Have the Best Candy
4. Goldilocks and Her Three Tries in Rehab

Remember those Little Golden Books?  Here's a few that never made the shelfs:

1. The Little Boy who Died from Eating All his Vegetables
2. You are Different, and that's Bad
3. Places where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Nightmares are Real, Nighty Night!
5. The Man in the Moon is actually 'Chuckie'
6. Curious George and the Abandoned Refrigerator

I'd even go so far as to recall a couple of Country Western songs that never made the charts:

1. Mama's so Fat it takes Two Dogs to Bark at her
2. She calls 'em Hooters, I call 'em Saggers
3. My gal's got a shape like homemade soap
4. Mama get a Hammer there's a Fly on the Baby's Head

Well.  That's the best I can do for now.  Gotta get back to developing my Great American Novel.  You gonna wish me luck or what. 

The Blog Breathes

I have been asking myself lately "why did I start another blog?", why did I think I'd have enough salt inside me to keep writing and coming up with interesting or entertaining things?  Doesn't it take an interesting person with an interesting life to write a semi interesting blog? 

I should have named this blog One Blog Day.  Just a day, only one blog, then I would have been free to go about my existance not wondering how I can come up with some more details of yet another thought that I think I need to share with no one.  Heck, I put the cat to sleep!  I talk to her, she nods off and then she's gone to more interesting place.  Here's a picture of her after such a conversation.  Doesn't she look totally captivated in what I'm saying and doing? 

I should have kept the black widow spider I found in my garage for a pet.  She responded every time I opened the garage or brushed past her web.  She was fast too!  That's what I like, a big mama who can move fast.  She wasn't a man chaser and didn't appear to like exercising either.  But like all things, you tend to miss them in their absence...

Jane's Humor Hits a Snag

I can't seem to propell myself into a funny place anymore, which to me, is a calamity.  I'm much more serious these days, or so it seems.  I must have tripped and fell in the night and banged by head or something.  Maybe I was robbed in my dreams of my humor ticket.  Somehow I worry more about having lost it than how I lost it.  Like what came first, the chicken or the egg.  Should I think more about what I lost or wonder how I lost it?  If I can remember how maybe I can get it back.  What a connundrum.  Now I wonder if that word is even spelt right or even if I care.  Not funny.  Not at all.

I find that I spend time thinking about what's in the news, politics (aka idiots circus), and the economy (what's left of it).  I try not to blog about those things since it is all so difficult to make sense of and writing about it is about as much fun as straightening out a bowl of spaghetti.  In my view, the media hounds are the new prostitutes selling sensation, propaganda and sometimes even getting caught in out right un-truths.  The politicians are a rung lower.  They slime around spewing empty promises while secretly lining their pockets with untold tax payer dollars.  They bafoon themselves out to be pure snow then later are caught with mistresses, call-girls, and picking up young men in bathrooms.  The economy is only for those who are within reach of it - meaning Wall Street, Washington insiders and the good ol' boys network.  Unless you've seen some of the BILLIONS yourself.  Please let me know if you've benefited yet from all the money we keep hearing is out there.  I just find dustballs and come home with chewing gum stuck to the bottom of my shoes.

So what am I to do.  Make New Years Resolutions?  Send out Christmas cards?  Have a martini?  There must be something funny about how Tiger Woods was secretly building his own female baseball team before he got caught hitting his balls out of the park.  There must be humor tucked away in a secret compartment somewhere when I see photos of Ex-Gov. Blagoavich's hair with a mouth under it saying he is as clean as a rectal thermometer.  I just know I'll roll on the floor in delight when I find out the Wall Street big wigs and the Banking Execs have been found to have real blood in their veins and an actual heart with which to make sure the little people get some benefit from all the money they were given.

I have this saying by Carl Sandberg that always hangs in my kitchen no matter where I end up.  It says:  Life is like an onion, you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

I have my own saying too:  Don't read Carl Sandberg if it depresses you.
I think its time for that martini now.