Jan 26, 2010

Calamity's Dim Bulb Award

Lately, if I didn't know better I'd have thought I answered these questions.  There are days when one is just not sync'd up with what life is trying to teach us which in turn brings out the sarcasma dwelling inside. (at least for Calamity Jane)

These two answers to actual test questions are examples of the impulsive behavior I feel at inappropriate moments that end up costing me one way or the other.  I could have probably created my own book of such pithy examples.  We've all been there (or is it just me?...)





Jan 18, 2010

Killer Job Offer Reject #1

After months and months of sending out my resume to endless lists of people, companies and places I'd never heard of (or heard from) I got to thinking of a job that I wouldn't submit my resume to no matter the dire calamities I face.  Sometimes the only way to know what you DO want, is to know best what you DON'T want.   So here is an online ad description I thought of while staring at the carpet for hours on end.

Assistant Grim Reaper :   We currently have an opening for a few good "escorts to the afterlife party". Looking for those with a killer personality.  Someone who can do whatever it takes to get the job done, with or without soul.  Black hooded uniform (one size fits all) and scythe provided (guaranteed not made in China so no chance of toxic chemical transfers).  No previous customer service skills needed and having no sense of humor is a plus.  Looking for hardworking individuals who know how to reap what they sow.  Brief social encounters necessary and all leads provided. Benefits include free hot meals in our world famous Hell's Kitchen, medical and dental, 401K and use of the company hearse.

Jan 11, 2010

A Beautiful Day

And I'm not just saying that to compliment myself but I always say if the horseshoe fits...

I downloaded my camera and realized that I forgot to post the beautiful amazing sunrise on New Year's Eve day.  I was so "shock" to see a sunrise that rivaled a sunset.  Pretty cool.





It all happend within the space of 10 minutes.













The colors were so perfect.  It reminded me of
a sunset I saw while going down the Nile River in Egypt.  It filled the whole sky.  Just like this one.

I was thinking that it was a fitting end to a miserable year for everyone.  Hopefully 2010 will be without as many Calamities as 2009.

I think it was appropriate that I took these shots from my bathroom window.  2009 was a bunch of crap!   Awe, did I ruin the moment?  Blame the politicians.  They've jaded me.

Jan 7, 2010

Calamity’s Secret Clubhouse Meeting Notes #548

Thought you might want to see this initial report on the Christmas Day bomber.  Please don't distribute. Its for your eyes only....

Mr. President of the USA
Secret Hideout
Kommon I Wanna Lei Ya, Hawaii

Dear Mr. Prez Sir:

As requested, here is our report on the Christmas Day near blowup by theUnderpants Bomber, aka Mr. UFA.  aka United Flaming Arab-type.  (just an office joke Sir)

On the day in question, the department was holding its annual Christmas Holiday party in the lunchroom . Outside our windows another freekin beautiful snowstorm was coming down while we opened Secret Santa presents. One of the guys got a tricked out model of a plane called Air Force Tiger One complete with wheels that really rolled, a tiny set of golf clubs and a miniature stewardess dressed in a little Santa’s Helper outfit. We had some great comments on that one.

Anyhoot, the War Room (the one next to the lunchroom) had lots of connect-the-dots drawings on the walls from the day before where we were practicing ‘situations’ based on valid information from the goons at the CIA. We got tired of doing that after about 6 hours but we judged Bob McKlowski’s drawing to be pretty darn near a real possibility so we all chipped in some pocket change to make him feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays.

Afterwards, we looked at endless photos of men wearing burkas, towels on their heads, and veils. It was hysterical. We all took turns on the Spin the Tale of the New Donkey. You won. You weren’t here so we got to spin again.

Later that night we got a call from Detroit about this guy with Hot Pants on his way into town. We figured it was some of your Illinois buddies gaffin’ around so we waited until Cheney called us a bunch of twots and said it was real. We nipped his ‘tude in the bud and told him if he was so sure Mr. Hot Pants was a threat that he ought to take the guy hunting with him since he was a hellava shot. He hung up. What a baby.

Well whaddya know?! Asswipe Cheney was right on target. (hee.) There really was a Situation based on our connect-the-dots games. We were floored to say the least. When we found out the guy burned himself trying to ignite, well things got funny. Again. Jack Harmon said the guy couldn’t find a date on Match.com. (couldn’t get fired up! LOL)Then Phil Williams did an impression of UFA lighting his pants on fire. What a dolt. He just has 1st degree burns. It would have been less but none of the guys could bring themselves to put out the flames in his crotch and all the beer was gone.

Bottom line Sir? We blew it. (no pun intended) Hey, we’re human-like. We flubbed up. We promise it won’t happen again. Really. The country is safe, we’re paying attention, dotting the I’s and crossing the t’s. You and the missus and kidlets can sleep safe at night and everyone else. Not one man in this department is dropping the ball anymore.

We’ll make sure that no more terrorist’s get the Terrorist Employee of the Month Award like Mr. UFA did. Oh wait, you didn’t know he got the award from al-Qaida’s kingpin? Yeah, we have a photo of it hanging up on his cave wall back in Yemen. Awe geez, do we have to do another report?

Your Ever Diligent Staff

Jan 4, 2010

How I Love a Well Dressed Man

I was listening to one of my favorite groups, ZZ Top the other day and their song Sharp Dressed Man, and it got me thinking how close to the truth it was.

No one dresses anymore like they used to. I hope the next X0 years bring about better use of fashion than the last X0 years because I’m beginning to miss admiring a well dressed man.

I’m talking French cuffs, starchy shirt collars, pocket scarfs, Italian leather shoes and well fitting suits, subtle cologne, men who aren’t afraid to wear pink shirts or designer ties, even suspenders sometimes. I miss a man who owns a tuxedo for winter and summer which still fits and is used often.

I loved and was loved by a man like this once. He was a tall blond Norwegian who had style and panache most men can’t even imagine and even refuse to anymore. He never owned a pair of thongs (flip-flops), never picked his teeth in public, he let other men fix his car engine, he didn’t watch TV shows or sports unless he participated.

He played golf and taught me how. He took me to Austria to see the ski jump he skied down after college; he proposed to me in Rome over candlelight; he took me on a carriage ride in Central Park, NY one November and he brought Dom Perignon champagne and two glasses. It was cold but we were cuddled under a blanket toasting at twilight while the driver gently nudged his horse through the park. Well dressed men don’t hesitate to be romantic. 


On a trip to Europe we stopped in Garmish-Partenkeirchen to ski the Zugspitz. I lasted 4 times up on the cog railway inside the mountain tunnel steaming hot and 4 times down with frozen hair and limbs before I cried ‘you win’. We found out later that night it was one of the coldest days on record but he still liked winning and I was happy anyway.

He spoke with an accent I can still recall with longing, he had Carribean blue eyes I still see in my dreams and always seemed to be tanned. He was built like a fine snow leopard, muscular, firm, trim and graceful. He looked amazing in anything he wore and had the most beautiful hands I’ve seen on a man.

He made me laugh and when he wasn’t there it made me cry. He made me realize I had a heart with love inside. Every woman in my family loved him, as any woman would for obvious reasons but also because he was not afraid to show everyone how much he loved me.

He let me drive 110 miles an hour from LA to San Diego once without too much complaining. He looked the other way when he got me drunk one winter on Aquavit outside a Swedish restaurant and I spilled my guts in the parking lot. He didn’t laugh when I met him one August in Fort Lauderdale for a visit and he saw that I brought a flannel plaid jacket. He forgave me for flattening all four of his tires one day after he forgot about a date we made. He wasn’t at all interested in my beautiful blond best friend who was Swedish. He thought my Aunt’s were crazy and wonderful and he was right.

He took me to Provo, Utah and taught me to use cross country ski’s, after that we rented a snow-mobile where we zipped through the fields recklessly fast. Too fast to see the upcoming culvert in time to stop before we sailed over it like we were on a flying carpet. When we landed on the other side I promptly fell off. I’d never been more shaken or alive.

I was young and didn’t think to let my past ruin my present. The baggage wasn’t there at the station to limit my ride or overburden me with doubts. I fell wholeheartedly in love and it was triumphant!

We weren’t like blood in the veins we were the CELLS, living, alive and vibrant together.

All because he was a well dressed man.

Dec 29, 2009

9 Reasons You Should Be Dumbfounded

I need to call Congress and ask them why they raised the debt ceiling to 12.4 Trillion dollars the other day.  What were they thinking?  12.4 Trillion will never get the U.S.A. out of debt before the whole world goes on the new Unified Monetary System they're already talking about.  Never!  Why you ask? 

Okay class, let's review this for the trillionth time..

1. You could give everyone on earth [EVERYONE] One Trillion  socks to wear every day for 300 years.
2. If you were to spend 1 Million dollars every day since Jesus was born until today you still wouldn't have reached One Trillion.
3. If you started a business when Jesus was born with a One Trillion dollar investment and you lost 1 Million every day of the year since then, you would still be in business 730 years from now.
4. One Trillion dollars can fund the military of every NATO country combined.
5. One Trillion dollars can pay the rent of every renter in the US for 3 years or the mortagages of every home owner for 14 months. (New York included)
6. One Trillion can repurchase all homes that foreclosed in 2007 and 2008!
7. The 15 Trillion dollar debt that will still be there in 2011 equals to a 1,000 mile high pile of $1,000 bills (if they made them)
8. Unfortunately, One Trillion is enough to pay for only 1/10th of the spending for the current bailout.
9. Sadly still, One Trillion is only enough to run the federal government for 103 days!  (3.5 months!!)

There is something fishy going on in Washington DC.  I think all the Big Wigs are making plans to escape this mess and leave us holding the fuming bag of sulfur products.  Yes, it does sound a bit like the movie 2012 but the catastrophe is greedy brains and not Mother Nature.  (she shows up later to scare us)

Pepto Abysmal please...

Dec 26, 2009

Have You Seen This Man?

In the "Some days its just not worth chewing through the leather straps" category, I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the camerman's head when he was filming this news anchor.   It could have been a funny gaffe till his wife was watching the news, and his mom, dad, friends.....  you get the picture.  In what amounts to a weird day on the job there's nothing like everyone recognizing you on the streets.

I did have a good laugh over it and I hope you do too.  You'll need all the laughs you can get once the credit card statements start rolling in now that Christmas is over.  I'll be busy working to find some for you.



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