Calamity’s Secret Clubhouse Meeting Notes #548

Thought you might want to see this initial report on the Christmas Day bomber.  Please don't distribute. Its for your eyes only....

Mr. President of the USA
Secret Hideout
Kommon I Wanna Lei Ya, Hawaii

Dear Mr. Prez Sir:

As requested, here is our report on the Christmas Day near blowup by theUnderpants Bomber, aka Mr. UFA.  aka United Flaming Arab-type.  (just an office joke Sir)

On the day in question, the department was holding its annual Christmas Holiday party in the lunchroom . Outside our windows another freekin beautiful snowstorm was coming down while we opened Secret Santa presents. One of the guys got a tricked out model of a plane called Air Force Tiger One complete with wheels that really rolled, a tiny set of golf clubs and a miniature stewardess dressed in a little Santa’s Helper outfit. We had some great comments on that one.

Anyhoot, the War Room (the one next to the lunchroom) had lots of connect-the-dots drawings on the walls from the day before where we were practicing ‘situations’ based on valid information from the goons at the CIA. We got tired of doing that after about 6 hours but we judged Bob McKlowski’s drawing to be pretty darn near a real possibility so we all chipped in some pocket change to make him feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays.

Afterwards, we looked at endless photos of men wearing burkas, towels on their heads, and veils. It was hysterical. We all took turns on the Spin the Tale of the New Donkey. You won. You weren’t here so we got to spin again.

Later that night we got a call from Detroit about this guy with Hot Pants on his way into town. We figured it was some of your Illinois buddies gaffin’ around so we waited until Cheney called us a bunch of twots and said it was real. We nipped his ‘tude in the bud and told him if he was so sure Mr. Hot Pants was a threat that he ought to take the guy hunting with him since he was a hellava shot. He hung up. What a baby.

Well whaddya know?! Asswipe Cheney was right on target. (hee.) There really was a Situation based on our connect-the-dots games. We were floored to say the least. When we found out the guy burned himself trying to ignite, well things got funny. Again. Jack Harmon said the guy couldn’t find a date on Match.com. (couldn’t get fired up! LOL)Then Phil Williams did an impression of UFA lighting his pants on fire. What a dolt. He just has 1st degree burns. It would have been less but none of the guys could bring themselves to put out the flames in his crotch and all the beer was gone.

Bottom line Sir? We blew it. (no pun intended) Hey, we’re human-like. We flubbed up. We promise it won’t happen again. Really. The country is safe, we’re paying attention, dotting the I’s and crossing the t’s. You and the missus and kidlets can sleep safe at night and everyone else. Not one man in this department is dropping the ball anymore.

We’ll make sure that no more terrorist’s get the Terrorist Employee of the Month Award like Mr. UFA did. Oh wait, you didn’t know he got the award from al-Qaida’s kingpin? Yeah, we have a photo of it hanging up on his cave wall back in Yemen. Awe geez, do we have to do another report?

Your Ever Diligent Staff